Jokes

[A.N.Other]

! didn't like shopping there anyway.

Yesterday I was at my local Carrefour buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog, what did she think I had an elephant?

Anyway, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I should mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I'm now banned from Carrefour.

[ajm]

Doctor: what's the problem?
Patient: I think I'm a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together.

[A.N.Other]

The female athlete says to the Doctor "I've started growing a penis! I think it might be because I've been taking a lot of steroids"
Doctor asks "Anabolic?"
Female athlete replies "No, just a penis!"

[Quiksilver]

May 2024.jpg

And the translation is......You're going to have to get a move on, they're starting to complain down below

[Quiksilver]

slug.jpg

Um..no translation needed

[niemeyjt]

My friend insists on bathing in yogurt in spite of my warnings about the dangers of dabbling in the Yakult

[niemeyjt]

A couple were staying in the top-floor penthouse at The Ritz.

The husband calls the Hotel Manager "Come up quick. we've been arguing and my wife wants to throw herself out of the window."

The manager replied "Sir, this is a personal medical matter, I can call a doctor for . . ."

"No", he interrupts "This is a maintenance issue - the window won't open"

[niemeyjt]

It used to be that fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time . . ."

Now they begin with "According to an expert . . . "

[niemeyjt]

South West Water have finally identified the parasites affecting their water quality.

Turns out it is the shareholders.

[niemeyjt]

The fact that people cannot differentiate between entomology and etymology bugs me in ways I cannot put into words.