Jokes

[DaveW]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my love,chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, Thank you, I'll have
chicken please"

She replied, "You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking
to the cat"

[Niftyons]

They're not even funny!

Like when I was on stage with Arthur at the Pleasance. Nobody was fashed..

[A.N.Other]

Just joined an online dating club for people of advanced years.

www.carbondating.com

[A.N.Other]

I recently had a colonoscopy, all good thankfully.
See you in ten years they said.

The f*** you will I replied!

[A.N.Other]

I invested in a funeral and cremation plan.

It was a great deal because if I you die in a fire you get half your money back.

[A.N.Other]

I went to the doctor because I though I had arthritis.

I don't, I have early onset rigor mortis.

[niemeyjt]

monkee.jpeg

[niemeyjt]

Be careful out there - some people may have monkey pox without realising it.

They are a chimptomatic.

[A.N.Other]

I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London underground.

He went from barking to tooting in 20 minutes.

[A.N.Other]

A friend recently drowned, I went to his funeral with a bouquet in the shape of a life ring.

It's what he would have wanted.