Jokes

[Bayleaf]

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[niemeyjt]

Lose £25, Pah - that's nothing. Mrs N can lose 10 times that amount in a single shopping trip.

[niemeyjt]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a £500,000 home, a £45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems




edit - to fix maths - sorry if below posts make no sense

[ajm]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a £500,000 home, a £45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems

50 years ago she would have been 19 not 23

[Nomoss]

He didn't say he married the 23-year-old girl.

[ajm]

He didn't say he married the 23-year-old girl.

Perhaps his bit on the side

[niemeyjt]

The local choir has been banned from carol singing at the local hospital psychiatric unit.

Apparently "Do you hear what I hear" was not a good choice.

[niemeyjt]

In the hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

[niemeyjt]

The IT Department told me to disable cookies . . . so I bit the legs off the gingerbread men.

[niemeyjt]

I have lots of unfinished paintings that I have been doing.

I have a black belt in the partial arts.