Jokes

[niemeyjt]

I've got a friend who was eating less and less meat and was in danger of becoming a full-blown vegetarian so I decided to have a serious talk with him.

I'm pleased to say that after a long chat, I've managed to turn a Quorner.

[Biloute]

There is evidence that people in ancient Egypt had biodegradable smartphones. Indeed, no Egyptologist has ever found the remains of telephone cables during his excavations !

[niemeyjt]

I saw a man walk into the local charcuterie with a seabird under his arm and he came out with a German sausage.

He told me he took a tern for the wurst.

[niemeyjt]

There is evidence that people in ancient Egypt had biodegradable smartphones. Indeed, no Egyptologist has ever found the remains of telephone cables during his excavations!

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying: "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later The British Archaeological Society of Northern England reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely nothing. Charlie concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

[niemeyjt]

A consignment of marijuana got washed up on the coast last week and the seabirds started to eat it.

Apparently, no tern was left unstoned.

[L Austin France]

Two engineers meet by chance in the street, one says
"Nice bike, where did you get it?"
"Strange situation really, I saw this beautiful slim young lady cycling along the path towards me. She stopped along side me, she said "wait there, handsome" and promptly took off all her clothes! Then she said "anything you want, it's all yours!"
The other engineer nodded and said "good thinking on the bike, doubt any of her clothes would have fit you!

[niemeyjt]

Two elderly widows, Doris and Edna, lived in a retirement village.

Doris had been asked on a date by George, the local eligible widower and, knowing Edna had been out with him the previous week, asks if she had a good time.

'It was wonderful,' says Edna. 'I'd bought a new expensive dress for the occasion and he turned up in a limousine and looking very smart. He whisked me off for cocktails, then to a really fancy restaurant where we ate lobster and then on for more drinks and dancing. When we got back to the village, I invited him to my place for coffee and it was only then he showed his true colours. He became an animal! He tore off my beautiful new dress and ravished me again and again on the floor in my living room.'

'So you're saying I shouldn't accept his invitation?' asked Doris.

'No, no!' said Edna. 'I'm telling you to wear an old dress.'

[niemeyjt]

I have just opened a butcher's shop with a friend.

Yes, we've both bought a stake in it.

[A.N.Other]

Apple announced today that it has developed a chip that can store and play stereo music in womens' breast implants.

The iTit will cost between £400 and £500, depending on 'speaker size'.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Hotrodder]