Grab a chair, kick off your shoes, chill and chat.The England Cricket World Cup team have been visiting an orphanage in Lucknow today.
"Such poor, pathetic, helpless, despondent individuals with absolutely no hope for their future," said Ashok, aged 8.
Jokes
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Hotrodder
- Posts: 3260
- Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2021 8:31 pm
- Location: Brittany 22
Jokes
My mrs. spent all afternoon trying to change the cooker clock. In the end I switched off the supply at the board to teach it a lesson. When I put the power back on it behaved itself and responded to the instructions in the 78page manual. I sincerely hate modern appliances that need manuals.
Last edited by Hotrodder on Mon Oct 30, 2023 10:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
On my headstone it will say: Please switch off mobile phones. I'm trying to get some sleep.
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Quiksilver
- Posts: 1039
- Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2021 9:18 pm
- Location: 47
Jokes
Mine's variable....sometimes very easy and works as it should. This morning was not one of those times 
I just hold down the buttons until it throws a serious wobbly and goes into re-set mode out of sheer self-defence 
All a bit pointless, really, as we're having so many mini-power cuts lately.
I just hold down the buttons until it throws a serious wobbly and goes into re-set mode out of sheer self-defence All a bit pointless, really, as we're having so many mini-power cuts lately.-
Bayleaf
- Posts: 3383
- Joined: Thu Sep 02, 2021 7:22 am
- Location: NE Dordogne
Jokes
After getting all the Dalai Lama’s luggage loaded in the limo, the driver notices that His Holiness is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so that we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Dalai Lama, "They never let me drive in India, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that.
I'd lose my job!"
But His Holiness talks him into it. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as His Holiness climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Dalai Lama floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Dalai Lama keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh my God, I'm gonna lose my license,"
moans the driver.
The Dalai Lama pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back on his motorcycle and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think this guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean a really big shot," said the cop.
"Who've you got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger"
"Governor?"
"Bigger"
"Well", said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Dalai Lama driving for him."
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Dalai Lama, "They never let me drive in India, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that.
I'd lose my job!"
But His Holiness talks him into it. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as His Holiness climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Dalai Lama floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Dalai Lama keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh my God, I'm gonna lose my license,"
moans the driver.
The Dalai Lama pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back on his motorcycle and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think this guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean a really big shot," said the cop.
"Who've you got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger"
"Governor?"
"Bigger"
"Well", said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Dalai Lama driving for him."
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Biloute
- Posts: 313
- Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2021 8:41 pm
- Location: Vendée
Jokes
Level A :The subject at philosophy was as follows:
“Address, as concisely as possible, the following three areas:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. The mystery “
The shortest copy received a score of 20 out of 20. It read:
My God...
I am pregnant !
But from whom ???
“Address, as concisely as possible, the following three areas:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. The mystery “
The shortest copy received a score of 20 out of 20. It read:
My God...
I am pregnant !
But from whom ???
Demain est le premier des jours qu'il nous reste à vivre: profitons-en ! 
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Bayleaf
- Posts: 3383
- Joined: Thu Sep 02, 2021 7:22 am
- Location: NE Dordogne
Jokes
"I can not shop at Costco anymore 
))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!"
))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!"