Jokes

[A.N.Other]

I’ve been trying to get an appointment with my doctor for ages.
I finally saw him yesterday and showed him the rash on my Bollocks.
He just ignored me and kept pushing his trolley around Carrefour.

[OTBC]

I called the doctors and said I've had the shits for six weeks.

She said not to worry, they go back to school on Monday.

[niemeyjt]

I'm reading a horror story in braille.

Something scary is going to happen - I can feel it.

[niemeyjt]

My neighbour religiously goes to the dentist once a week.

He's a 7th day a dentist.

[niemeyjt]

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[niemeyjt]

Food for thought:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2 A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘what happened?

37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[curtis]

Ah! la beauté de la langue Française !!!!
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre une pioche, un pull et une semaine ?
> > > > > La pioche a un manche, le pull a deux manches et la semaine a dimanche
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre un internaute et son épouse dépensière ?
> > > > > Pendant qu' il clique, elle claque.
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre les oiseaux et les banquiers suisses ?
> > > > > Les oiseaux font leurs nids et les banquiers suisses nient leurs fonds.
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre le temps et l' éternité ?
> > > > > Si je prenais le temps de te l’ expliquer, il faudrait une éternité pour que tu la comprennes.
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre Paris, un ours blanc et Virginie ?
> > > > > Paris est métropole, l' ours blanc est maître au pôle et Virginie aimait trop Paul...
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre une girouette et un horloger ?
> > > > > La girouette montre les vents et l' horloger vend les montres.
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre un enfant qui fait des bêtises et un sapin de Noël ?
> > > > > Aucune ! Les deux se font enguirlander.
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre un homme et une calculatrice ?
> > > > > On peut toujours compter sur une calculatrice.
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre une poule et un chapon ?
> > > > > Une poule, cha'pond ; un chapon, cha'pond pas...
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre la lettre A et le clocher de l' église ?
> > > > > La lettre A, c' est la voyelle et le clocher, c' est là qu' on sonne.
> > > > >
> > > > > Quelle est la différence entre un cendrier et une théière ?
> > > > > Le cendrier c' est pour des cendres, la théière c' est pour mon thé...
> > > > >

[niemeyjt]

Korean car maker Kia has announced a new car that car does the fastest U-turn.

They are calling it the Kia Starmer.

[Bayleaf]

I just paid 900€ for a sofa, and I've been told it will be 6 weeks until delivery.



Does anyone know where I stand?

[niemeyjt]

Maybe it's been knicked from the depot?

I hope it's recovered.